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Episode 201: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince/transcript
Bobo turns. He fades. He shoots. Oh, oh, it was close, but he's just above it. He's got it again, and he shoots, and--heh. Oh, so close. What's up? I'm guest-starring on the show tonight. Ok, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. And he turns. He shoot--oh. Oh. Oh, boy, what a night, what a night. Now, uh, what can I do for you? I'm guest-starring on the show tonight. Uh-huh. And your name, sir? Ah, this is gonna be fun. I'm the artist formerly known as Prince. Ooh. And I'm the bear currently known as not amused. Now, uh, your name again, please. My name has no sound. It's unpronounceable. Look, fella, this kind of monkey business Might have kept you out of the draft, But you ain't gonna fool me. Now, how would your name appear on my list here? Like this. Ooh. Ok, dr. Rorschach, I'll play along. I see my mother and a butterfly Doing the mambo on an orange. Heh heh heh heh. Just check the list, fool. You're mouthy for a guy with no name. Ok, let's see. We got, uh, railroad crossing, That ying-yang sign. We got-- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, where are you-- Boy, the security in this place stinks. It's muppets tonight, With our very special guest star, The artist formerly known as Prince. Yay! ♪ if you're a human being ♪ ♪ take a break from the race ♪ ♪ take a load off your feet ♪ ♪ wipe the load off your face ♪ ♪ got a lot to do ♪ ♪ and we do it for you ♪ ♪ everybody take your place ♪ ♪ muppets tonight ♪ ♪ you're gonna see something better ♪ ♪ tonight's the night ♪ ♪ you're gonna live with the memory ♪ ♪ we got a show for you ♪ ♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪ ♪ here come the muppets tonight ♪ Yeah. whistling ♪ we got a show for you ♪ ♪ guaranteed brand-new ♪ ♪ here come the muppets ♪ ♪ here come the muppets ♪ ♪ here come the muppets toght ♪ I don't want to be late for t O-ok, everyone, listen up. The artist is on his way up the elevator. Boy, this is it, guys. Let's give him a big muppets tonight welcome. Hey. All right. Whoa. Hit it, rizz. ♪ we get delirious ♪ ♪ whenever you're near ♪ Ooh. ♪ we lose our self-control ♪ ♪ just can't steer ♪ Hey, hey, hey! Wait, wait, wait! Fellas, fellas, what are y'all doing? We're doing yeah, delirious, man. Yeah. I mean, we're your biggest fans. Yeah. We got the whole show set up for an all-out-- Here it is-- extravaganza. Yeah! That's wonderful, but I ain't into this leather and lace look much anymore. Oh, good, 'cause this bustier is killing me. I--I'm normal, just like the next guy. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Definitely normal. By the way, gonzo... Yeah? You are definitely working these pumps and fishnets. Oh, thank you. Heh heh heh. Rizzo: right this way. Boy, I wish I'd known he'd changed his look Before I ruined this expensive pair of leather pants. Aah! Unbelievable. What? Announcer: and now it's time Of another episode of tales from the vet. Ay! Ee! Aii! Oh! Uu! Scared you, didn't I? Yes, always. I'm dr. Phil, your--your... Excuse me one moment. Mulch, mulch, mulch, mulch! Mulch--mulch--mulch, this camera's upside down. grunting What? Hmm. Well then, that must mean that... Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, well, thank you, mulch. You've managed to put another hairline fracture In my cranium. Arr! Oh, yeah? Well, just for that, mulch, Our carnival cruise is canceled, And that 3 stooges convention is looking mighty iffy. sobbing Aah! Anyway--anyway, were was I? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes! Tonight's mind-numbing feature Is stephen king's townhouse of wax. By the way, look for leona helmsley In a cameo as edwina, the painting that would not die! Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Oh, my head. Oh, I have to go to the nurse. Mulch, roll the film. Mulch: aah! Ow! Oh! on lens playing Arr. This is a photograph of my kitty. Uh, can I have everyone's attention, please?! Can I have everyone's attention?! Hey! Here's to the completion Of another great season of tales from the vet! Oh, oh. Whoops, whoops, whoops. And, uh, and I just wanted to say... All right, I'll say it! You're the best crew I've ever had. We're the only crew you ever had. Oh, cut it out, ed. Cut it out. By the way, everyone, go easy on this eggnog. ♪ peeko once and pull it off ♪ ♪ peeko once and pull it off ♪ Mulch: arr. Aah! And they never let me play In the little league, ghosty. A-and I didn't sell enough chocolate at christmastime. Mulch! Mulch, get... Camera out of my face. Dr. Phil: ♪ I have a platinum card ♪ ♪ a platinum card, a platinum card ♪ ♪ I have a platinum card ♪ ♪ and you all just have green one ♪ Mulch! Oh, mulch, when did you get a video camera? Arr! Come on, come on. Tape me, tape me, tape me! ♪ doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ Eggy-noggy. Eggy-noggy. Arr! ♪ her name was lola ♪ ♪ she was a showgirl ♪ ♪ she was-- ♪ Come on, everybody! Come on, come on. Sing. Sing along, everyone. You freeloaders! You freeloaders! You freeloaders! You freeloaders! Stop the music! Ahh. Ahh. Oh, jeez. grunts Oh, there you are, mulchy. Come on, mulchy. Come here, come here. Give me a big hug. Ow! Oh. Oh. Well, I'm back from the nurse's station. How about that townhouse of wax? Pretty spine-chilling stuff, eh? grunts What? Arr! You played what? You played christmas party '93? Eggy-noggy. Eggy-noggy. Eggy-noggy. Eggy-noggy. Heh heh heh. Eggy-noggy, eggy-noggy? I have no idea what you're talking about. I wasn't even at the christmas party in '93. grunts No, I was not. Arr arr. All right, all right. I was young. It was the eggnog decade. I was just trying to fit in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me that videotape! Arr? Give me that videotape! Mulch, you give me that videotape right now! Don't! Come back here and give me that videotape! Right now, mulch! Wha? Sal. Mm-hmm? You're supposed to be pressing my pants. What are you doing over here? I'm studying, Johnny. Studying? Mm-hmm. Since when do you need a book to be a pants ironer? No, no, no. This is a correspondence course. I'm learning to be an osteopath, You know, a bone doctor. Well that's, uh, that's great, Sal, But, uh, first of all, A bone doctor's called a boneyologist. Second of all, you know I support you In all your intellectual pursuits, But, uh, call me old-fashioned. I need my pants to perform onstage. Huh? Ah. All right, Johnny. Thank you. Please. All right. Hey, but, Johnny, first, Let me adjust your back for you. I don't think so, Sal. Yeah, yeah. Don't worry. Just relax. It won't hurt. Don't do that. Just take a deep breath. No. Hey, Johnny... Huh? How's your mom? My mom's good. I just talked--whoa! Aah! Aah! Oh, yeah. There it is! Aah! Aah! Oh, yeah! Oh! Aah! Yes! There you go. Oh. Hey. Hey. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Hey, uh... Hey, that feels pretty good, Sal. Really? Hey, everybody, here's some trivia. Before... Enh. Was known as... Enh. He was known as Prince, But before... Enh. Was known as Prince, He was unknown. And like so many other unknowns... Enh. Made his first tv appearance with us On a show we called muppet hoo-ha. Let's watch, shall we? laughing Oop. Heh heh heh. Hey, rizz bob. Hey, bo bob. Do you know why bees go buzz? Why, bo bob, why? Because it's easier than going... Bbl bbl bbl bbl bbl bbl bbl bbl bbl bbl. laughing Whoo hoo hoo. Say, jed. Yes, ned. You got the ugliest dog I ever did see. What do you call it? Well, before we painted it brown and glued ears on it, We called him alligator. Ah. Arr! Aah! And now here's the hoo-ha ha-ha-ha hayseed band With a little picking and grinning for y'all. moo ♪ climbin' up the mountain trail ♪ ♪ natural as can be ♪ ♪ I can see bear tracks comin' after me ♪ 'scuse me, y'all. 'scuse me, 'scuse me. That there song refers to bear tracks, right? Yes. Why? Well, them ain't no bear tracks. They ain't? Nuh-uh. Them's gator tracks. Raah! Aah! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! jaws snap Ooh, my neck. moo Ooh. Ah. Yo, Kerm, what's wrong with your neck? Oh, it's actually an old muppet hoo-ha injury. Ever since that sketch, I seem to have a stiff neck. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, did I hear you got a stiff neck?! Yeah. I can cure that. You know, I am trained In the fine art of osteopathy. Since when? Oh, since I got this book. Uh, well, Sal, what happened to the book? Oh, I broke its spine. Guh. Anyway, let me show you the way that this works. W-wait a second, Sal. No, no, no, just relax ad take a deep breath. No. S-Sal, this really isn't necessary. No, no, no, no. Think of butterflies. Butterflies? Butterflies? Yeah, yeah. Butterflies, ok. Kermit, Flying around. Yeah. Can you see them? Well, yeah, I can. Yeah, yeah. What color are they? Oh, they're sort of orange and bl--aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aaah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Nnn! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Ooh! Aah! Ooh! There you go. Oh, man, Sal, what happened? What'd you do to Kerm? What do you mean? I made him feel better. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go study the chapter on pop-up pelvises. Uh. Uh. Uh. Kerm, you ok, Kerm? Er, you know what, clifford? The truth is my neck actually feels better. Sal: I told you! Uhh. Uh, excuse me. Do you mind me asking what you're writing there, prin- Uh, I mean... I'm writing ideas for songs. Really? That's cool. Yeah. Well, where do you get ideas for songs? I can get them anywhere, even here. Here? Right here in the commissary? You must mean songs about food, You know, songs like I wanna hold your ham, Another one bites the crust. That one kills me. Not if I kill you first. I'm serious, guys. Watch. Yo, Seymour! Hmm? What's on the menu? Well, we've got swordfish, eggs, and coffee. Just pancakes, maple syrup, and jam. Yeah. I could write a song about that. Get out of here! No, really, I can. I just need a better set. ringing playing ♪ it was 7:45, we were all in line ♪ ♪ to get to teacher, miss kathleen ♪ ♪ first was kevin, then came lucy ♪ ♪ third in line was me ♪ ♪ all of us were ordinary ♪ ♪ compared to cynthia rose ♪ ♪ she always stood in back of the line ♪ ♪ a smile beneath her nose ♪ ♪ her favorite number was 20 ♪ ♪ and every single day ♪ ♪ if you ask her what she had for breakfast ♪ ♪ this is what she'd say ♪ ♪ starfish and coffee ♪ ♪ maple syrup and jam ♪ ♪ butterscotch clouds and a tangerine ♪ ♪ a side order of ham ♪ ♪ if you set your mind free, baby ♪ ♪ maybe you'd understand ♪ ♪ starfish and coffee ♪ ♪ maple syrup and jam ♪ ♪ oh ooh oh ♪ ♪ and they're singin' ♪ ♪ oh ooh oh ♪ ♪ all together now ♪ ♪ oh ooh oh ♪ ♪ and they're singin' ♪ ♪ oh ooh oh ♪ ♪ cynthia wore the prettiest dress ♪ ♪ but different color socks ♪ ♪ sometime I wondered ♪ ♪ if the mates were in her lunchbox ♪ ♪ me and lucy opened it up when cynthia wasn't around ♪ ♪ lucy cried, I almost died ♪ ♪ you know what we found ♪ ♪ starfish and coffee ♪ ♪ maple syrup and jam ♪ ♪ butterscotch clouds and a tangerine ♪ ♪ a side order of ham ♪ ♪ if you set your mind free, baby ♪ ♪ maybe you'd understand ♪ ♪ starfish and coffee ♪ ♪ maple syrup and jam ♪ ♪ oh ooh oh ♪ ♪ and they're singin' ♪ ♪ oh ooh oh ♪ ♪ all together now ♪ ♪ oh ooh oh ♪ ♪ and they're singin' ♪ ♪ oh ooh oh ♪ Yeah, man, that was great. All right, all right. So you made a song From the breakfast menu, But I'll bet you 5 bucks you can't do it again. I'll take that bet. Yo, Seymour. Yeah? What's for desert? Raspberry sorbet. playing ♪ raspberry sorbet ♪ Oh, no. ♪ the kind you find in a secondhand store ♪ All right, all right. Here's your 5 bucks.  oh, man, Sal, you are good. Thank you. Uh, but I think-- I think you forgot my left foot there. What? Oh, sorry. Could you just get that? Just a tweak? All right. Just relax. Just do something nice. Yeah. Think of a hen farm at hatching time. Oh, yeah. Ok, you got it? Yeah, you thinking about it? Yeah. Nnn-yaah! Aah! Yes! Ha ha! Thanks, Sal. That's the best 50 cents I ever spent. Ah, you're welcome. I gotta catch the bus. Could you give me a little nudge? Oh. Oh, yeah, sure. There you go. Thank you so much. Hey--hey, Sal, What's going on here? Y-you still haven't ironed these pants. Oh. Uh, sorry, Johnny-- You know what? You know, I've had it up to here, Sal. Oh, that would be your clavicle, Johnny. I don't care what it is. Y-you're becoming a pain in the-- Thoracic vertebrae? All right, all right. Look, that's it. You-- No, no, no, Johnny. This is it right back here. Hey, hey, hey, hey! What? All right, look. Listen to me. Y-you're a gentleman's monkey. Uh-huh. And your job is to fulfill my needs, And right now, I need to get my pants ironed. Right, Johnny. I'm sorry. I guess I was just trying to be something I'm not. Yeah, well, that's right. Y-you're not a boneyologist. You're a pants ironer. That's right, Johnny. Not an australypath. Mm-mmm. Pants ironer. Right, Johnny. I'm a pants ironer. That's right. That's right. All right, pal. Heh heh. All right. Ok. Iron it up, huh? All right, I'll pants, get right on it. Pants, pants. Ok. All right. Iron, iron, iron. Ah. Yes? Special delivery for Sal minella. Oh. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Oh, oh! Thank you very much. Thank you. You're welcome. Bye. Heh heh heh. Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! It's my pop-up book of acupuncture and needlepoint. Hmm. pops out Aah! Hey, my headache is gone, But my chin is killing me. Aah. Announcer: and now it's time for carl The big, mean bubble guy. Hi, I'm carl, And bubbles come out of my head. Nnn! Hey, hey, hey, that's my act! Not anymore. What? Ohh! Ohh! What are you doing? belches Thank you! Hey, waldorf, look at that. The show is 10 times as big. Yeah. Too bad it's 1/10 as funny. Oh ho ho ho oh ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho. Hey, let's see what else is on. Hand me that remote. Oh. Oh, it's big. Nnn! Hey, carefu-- Ohh! Ohh! Yo, yo, hey. Yo, yo, yo. Hey, yo, hey. Yo, yo, yo. We got a great idea for the final number. Listen, we go to a football stadium with 5,000 white rats. Yes, yes, but get this, they're dyed purple, like that. Hey, how you doing? Nice to meet you. We'll form a living, dancing version of your symbol On the 50-yard line. Yeah, what do you think? Wait a minute, guys. My name has a very spiritual meaning to me. All right, all right. So what do you want to do, then? I just want to go out on the stage, Sit at the piano, do a nice, little simple number With the help of a few angels. What? Huh? playing ♪ hoo ooh ooh ♪ ♪ I know I'd like to turn your heart ♪ ♪ to a tale of sheer delight ♪ ♪ a song of adulation ♪ ♪ love and fear ♪ ♪ no one loved him better ♪ ♪ no one better sacrificed ♪ ♪ she gave her angels that summer night ♪ ♪ fate as she designed it ♪ ♪ took her from her man ♪ ♪ destiny and love ♪ ♪ don't always go hand in hand ♪ ♪ yes were they waitin' ♪ ♪ like a memory over the room ♪ ♪ she gave her angels that night in june ♪ ♪ she gave her angels ♪ ♪ she gave her angels to her man ♪ ♪ because her man had none ♪ ♪ to watch over him till she returned ♪ ♪ her man, her lover, her son, her father ♪ ♪ for all these things he meant to her ♪ ♪ she felt it right ♪ ♪ she gave her angels ♪ ♪ that summer night ♪ ♪ yes, she gave her angels ♪ ♪ that summer night ♪ That was lovely. Yeah, man, that was beautiful. Thanks, fellas. Yeah. You made me feel All warm and gooey inside, Like a nice brie. Uh, say, are you hungry? Get out of here. Yeah, yeah. Can we do another sweet, tender song like that? I got a better idea. What? Let's go crazy. ♪ let's go crazy ♪ ♪ let's get nuts ♪ ♪ let's look for the purple banana ♪ ♪ till they put us in the truck ♪ ♪ let's go ♪ Good night, y'all. ♪ come on, baby ♪ Yeah, good night. ♪ let's get nuts ♪ Let's get nuts. Yay! Yeah. Ah, no. That little monkey's done it this time. He's ruined my slacks over here. Wha? Yes! Oh, no. What now? All right, Bobo, this is the last one. You ready? Mm-hmm. Daaah! Oy-uh! Whoa. Oh. There we go. Feeling any better there yet? Uh, well, I don't feel as itchy. Good. That means it's working. No, I think it means you skewered a few fleas. And, uh, how long until you, you know, take these things out? Take what out? The--the needles. I don't know. That book doesn't come till next week. Sal. What? Sal, I... What, what? Sal, I'm gonna... Hey, take it easy. This is my first day. Come here you... You--you--you little boneyologist. I'll show you. I'll show you, you--come here. And even though I don't know who you are, I agree with all of it. Can you speed that up in the edit? Go, go, go, go. What? What? I'll watch your back. Ohh! cries Where are you, Pepe? I promise that nothing like that Will ever happen again. It's imposs-- I couldn't do it. It's a new dance. Unbelievable. What? kisses Yogurt. How about bavarian pretzels? __NOWYSIWYG__ Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts